It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
