bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
