Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
