i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
