Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
