I just cut my nipple shaving
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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