one two three fourrrrnication!
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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