im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
