You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
