Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
