My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Randomize
