That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
