checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
