Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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