Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I pour the whiskey from now on
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
