My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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