just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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