Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
