I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
