i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Randomize
