Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
