Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
