so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
