11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
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We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
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Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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