she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
even my farts smell like vagina
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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