I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
