i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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