i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
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i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
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He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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