3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
