but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
