fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
