If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
