tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
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The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
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Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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