Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
