I'm laying in your front yard are you home
the day after is always just damage control
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
