Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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