Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
