So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I deserve this hangover.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
