Only a mothe r could love this liver
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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