made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
