I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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