What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
