The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
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I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
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The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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