Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
