I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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