obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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