why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
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