On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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