I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
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I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
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After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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