when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
