You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
