So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
