I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
