I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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