if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
