is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
