My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
