Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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