soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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