I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
