I'd wear matching sweaters with you
After last night, I could never be a politician.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
